Q. Hi Dad... I am really nervous about my body changing during this pregnancy. I am looking into creams, and salves for stretch marks. It is said that the higher the chances of stretch marks for me depends on how bad it was for my mother, so I am worried. The best kind I have found isn't really expensive, but you can only get it online. So, I am working on that aswell. I also have to be including a lot of iron, zinc, vitamins a, c, and d in my diet to help with the elasticity in my skin... -Margot
A. Hi. You can prevent stretch marks with buttermilk. I don't know if that's true. I do know that I can tenderize tough chicken pieces by soaking it in the above-mentioned liquid. Delores says to drink lots of skim milk. Brenda says stretch marks can't be fixed--the whole point being that the skin is stretched beyond the point of no return. If it wasn't a point of no return, there would be no stretch mark. I suppose you are talking about minimizing the damge.
The truth is: Pregnancy fucking destroys your body. You need to rub as much crud on there as possible. Mud, vitamins, cranberries, voodoo, chocolate and vulcanized rubber. Whatever floots your boot.
It's a good idea to get back into shape after delivery. Lots of women like to sit around and eat potato chips and get as fat as freaking possible, thinking that they don't have to try anymore because they've got a "baby daddy" and everything will be just fine. It is during this fat phase that 50% of relationships go to hell. Not that there isn't a grace period--you are allowed to be gross for a little while. The recovery period, that's called.
Also: try to have a smaller baby. In the middle ages, circus owners would feed knotgrass to kids, hoping to stunt their growth and transform them into dwarfs. You could try eating knotgrass. Wouldn't it be fun to have a dwarf? Here at the table, the females are chatting up Vitamin E. Also, Bio-Oil, which Brenda thinks you already own. Wendy uses Sun-block ALWAYS, all the time, all year, all over her body. She is supple like a caramel apple.
I also think collagen is trippy--rub it onto something and it tightens right up. Gay dudes like to use this on their tailpipes.
I don't know much else about stretch marks. I do know that there are plenty of women that have kids and still look quite fine naked*. What about Tyra Banks? Didn't she have a couple illegitimate offspring? She may be two axe-handles wide, these days, but I believe there's nary a stretch mark in sight. I am glad to have been of assistance. -Me (Dad)
PS--Please don't let anyone dig through my shit. I sense your boyfriend doing that right now. I sense him wearing my underwear and playing with my DVDs and toys and high heels. Don't allow that to happen.
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*It is very true that my wife, Bunny, looks stunning with her clothes off. Holy frick! I am awesome. I must be awesome to have such a hot lady on my futon.
